Sitting down to write this post, I realise I am feeling slightly strange about putting this out there. I feel a whole lot of mixed feelings and emotions right now, and Im not sure If I will publish this post right now or not. This year has been the absolute worst for me. Im not writing this post to get sympathy from people and I really don’t want people pitying me, or thinking what a sad stupid cow – so if I do press publish on this post, please don’t judge me?
Im currently in a place in my life where I feel completely lost. In 66 days, I will be 40 years old. I thought by this point in my life I would be settled in my life, possibly married and feeling content and happy with my life – yeah right! On 2nd August this year, all of my dreams and future plans got ripped apart when my ex and I split up – I am not going to go into details, as I don’t feel strong enough yet, but lets just say, it was very messy and I come out of it the more wounded one. Just like that, my while life got ripped out from under me – I am having to sell my beloved home and find somewhere else to live, and also get used to being single again, after being with him for almost 5 years.
Have you ever felt like you are just so lost in life? You just don’t know what to do to make things better for yourself? I know that I want to spend some time now on my own and find myself again, find the things I used to enjoy doing, and start having fun again. I know that age and societies expectations of where we should be in life shouldn’t affect me, but I am aware that hitting 40, people make the automatic assumption that you are settled in a happy relationship and loving life, and for me that is just the opposite.
I am not going to sit and wallow in self-pity forever, and I will get myself back up and get the fight back in me again, but right now I could really do with a huge cuddle and someone telling me its all going to be ok.